There are very few negative reviews of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith or whatever the fuck its called. Count this post as one of those dissenting “reviews” (a term, as the beloved Armond White notes, is almost meaningless today). Unlike Roger Ebert, who somehow thinks the rules don’t apply to him, I promise not to be an asshole and spoil what little plot surprises exist in the film.
First, I think a more apt title would have been, “George Lucas shits all over a cherished childhood memory.”
Second, the acting. Oh dear Jesus the acting! The acting, especially between Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman, is painfully awkward and stilted. It physically hurt me to watch it. Their “dialogue” if you can call it that, is so asinine, so predictable, and so stupid that I managed not to care about either Anakin or Padme by the end of the movie. Obi Wan was alright. But I swear, when it was just Senator Palpatine trying to get Anakin to join the dark side, it felt really creepy. Not Sith-Lord, master of evil creepy, but more like an older gay man propositioning a metrosexual, confused 20-something. And with those lightsabers, and all the nude statues in his private chambers, I mean… it was all very phallic and homo-erotic. And that’s cool, but its just not how I envisioned a conversion to the dark side. I could continue about the acting, but I think my point was made.
Third, and to borrow from one of the only good reviews of the film online, some of the editing decisions were terrible. Granted, the lightsaber battles were much better choreographed and intense than before, but the constant cross-cutting between multiple scenes wasn’t cool and did not develop dramatic tension or add to the narrative in any significant way. It was just annoying. There was no pacing. There was no time for meaningful reflection on anybody’s actual role in the events, or even how mysterious the Force is (which, I might add, it isn’t, because, to be quite honest, when they scientifically explained away the Force in Episode I, I just completely gave up). It didn’t make sense, and it helped me care little or nothing for any of the fucking characters, except Yoda, because, I already cared about Yoda thanks to the original films.
Finally, as I was brooding earlier about the fact that I actually paid money to see this movie, I realized how fucked up a place the Star Wars universe is. Allow me to explain:
Jedi vs Sith or Two Sides of the Same Worthless Coin
Anakin Skywalker is prophesied to bring balance to the force, or end the Sith, or whatever. Long story short, as Darth Vader he slaughters men, women, and children (recall the Death Star making Alderaan disappear). Darth Vader is a genocidal maniac and a religious fundamentalist. The Jedi are just religious fundamentalists with smaller toys and prettier language to justify their idiocy. Jedi have to be celibate (weak), cut off from any meaningful family connections, and dedicated, at least for a few milennia, to propping up a corrupt quasi-democracy and quelling dissent. The Sith are just like the Jedi except they have a major hard-on for mass murder. In my opinion, the only redeeming quality of the movies is that the Sith and Jedi end up killing eachother off because in the end, they are both worthless, irrational utopianists with competing goals, and they drag billions of people into their petty rivalries. Really, how selfish is that? If only .00001% of the population is Force-sensitive, what right do they have to drag everyone else into hell? How very Nietzschean, because it is an example of a master and slave society. The Jedi (read, the masters no less) enjoy high intellectual pursuits, enjoy suffering and stoically enduring hardship, but most of all, they enjoy ruling the slaves. The masters, I mean Jedi, are just plain better than the rest of the populace (the slaves, a word also often used in Star Wars) who simply pass their worthless lives pursuing mean and vulgar ends such as procreating or engaging in manual labor. I posit that a Nietzschean society in reality would suck a metric ton of ass, hence the Star Wars society presented by Lucas, being Nietzschean to the core, does indeed suck a metric ton of ass, if not more. His attempt to mish-mash a variety of religions and philosophies into his films is merely a cover for his fantasy of having Force powers and thus being better than everybody else. This is why Star Wars is so massively popular. After all, who wouldn’t want to be able to wield the Force and finally be special and unique, but most importantly powerful and better then everybody else? The idea of having god-like power is very appealing.
Political sloganeering masquerading as political insight
Yes, George Lucas in his infinite creativity obviously decided that Sith + Empire = Nazis! The parallels are everywhere and it is the most obvious symbology used in the original three films (think Storm troopers or the Empire’s uniforms for their officers) In the three newer movies, he modified the formula so that the falling Republic = George W. Bush Regime = Empire! ( = Nazis!) Wow, George, way to be shallow and didactic at the same time. Christensen and Portman each deliver a line with obvious political references, “If you aren’t with me, then you are my enemy” and “And that is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause” (or something). These lines are completely blatant and don’t fit well in the context of the film, and are so abrupt that I was completely ripped out of my seat. I had been so trying to suspend my disbelief, but that shit was the final nail in the coffin. Please, give it a rest. There are so many works of art that have meaningful political commentary and do it in a way that is actually intelligent and thought-provoking. Those two lines, to me, felt like he was pandering to teenage fanboys who are anti-Bush merely because Green Day is. “yeah, um, dude, war is all bad and shit….and fuck, Star Wars hates Bush too! sweet!… hey… hand me that bowl again…” Besides, comparing any modern American politician to an insidious Lord of the Sith is childish. It would have been far more productive to compare politicians to Jabba the Hutt or some other fat, mysoginistic caricature of a crimelord like Tony Soprano.
The sham of good vs. evil
People say they love Star Wars because its a classic tale of the triumph of good over evil. Bullshit. The Force is not good or evil, its light and dark, its two sides of the same continuum of being. It has nothing to do with traditional Western notions of morality. Also, people truly like the movie because it offers the escapist fantasy of being an ubermensch master over the inferiors. The final proof for my thesis that Star Wars has no true moral compass is quite simple. At the final bonfire party on Endor in Return of the Jedi, we see the spirits of Obi Wan, as well as Anakin Skywalker in attendance. They are both existing in whatever next level of existence happens after death, seemingly equals. This proves that either there is no consequence for the mass murder perpetrated by Darth Vader, or that in their sick, twisted moral economy, one good deed can atone for decades of murder. If that is how moral and immoral actions are weighed in the “afterlife,” I would not want to live in such a universe. Its kind of like when my former pastor used to say that if Hitler had asked Jesus into his heart, even he could be forgiven and go to heaven. While doctrinally this may be technically correct, I call bullshit on it because the practical results are utterly disgusting. Imagine if Josef Stalin, on his death bed, realizing he had murdered 20 million ~ of his own people, quickly acknowledged belief in God and said “Forgive me father, for I have sinned,” and then breathed his last. Ostensibly, he would go to Heaven. This is directly comparable to Vader chucking the Emperor into the abyss. Both are unacceptable, unjustified redemption. You can’t say that Star Wars is about good versus evil when there is clearly no difference between Obi Wan and Vader. The Force is just an amoral, if not evil, entity that arbitrarily gives certain people power and deals out death to the unlucky. In the Star Wars universe, good and evil don’t exist. Thankfully, the Force, like God, probably doesn’t exist.
Final salvo
Thus, George Lucas, on a narrative level, is being dishonest by pretending to show a battle of good versus evil with the Jedi as knights errant, and using the Empire as a trope for the Nazi regime and a warning against tyranny. In fact, the Jedi and Sith are, to an outside observer, two sides of the same fundamentalist utopianist coin. Within their own world, apparently their actions carry no consequences in terms of moral quality. They are actually just the masters in a Nietzschean wet-dream wrapped in escapist sci-fi fantasy. The Sith are merely competing masters who don’t want to play nicely. All others are slaves (sorry about your luck assholes!). Lucas is either intellectually dishonest or incoherent. I tend to think that it is more of the latter, especially after watching THX 1138, which gave me the impression that Lucas had read some Orwell, did some hash, watched 2001: A Space Odyssey a few times and decided to do some sci-fi political commentary. It is probably safe to assume that he doesn’t know how flawed and essentially pointless the universe of Star Wars is, because his entire method for creating the Force, Jedi, et. al. was entirely predicated on picking and choosing the interesting bits of various world religions. Decide for yourself whether or not it is good to be completely derivative.
To me, most importantly, Episode III doesn’t work as a movie. Its just not that good. Sure, its shiny and pretty at some points, but artistically it has no merit. It doesn’t do anything really great, or interesting, or beautiful, or truly thought provoking (well, there are a few moments that are ok). Remember kids, if you make hundreds of millions of dollars on a hit movie, be sure to surround yourself with yes-men and ass kissers and you can keep the cash train a-chuggin along as you continue to make sequel after prequel after whatever. You can be like George Lucas, and make a movie completely bereft of a soul.